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I hate my blog

I do.  I look at it with frustration.  Here’s why:

I hate the word

First and foremost I’m finding that while I can refer to your blog without any issue whatsoever, acknowledge this site as my blog makes my muscles tense like I’ve just been punched in the stomach.

Cubicle Samurai, Two

I hate the look

Which is funny because the theme designer did a fabulous job on the theme, but the theme is not me.  I picked a nice tasteful theme so I would write and not stress about the theme.  But I’m not writing so much and I’m still stressing.

I hate the content

Okay, I shouldn’t hate the content, because I’m reassured by people that I trust that it sucks a lot less than I think it does.  I’m a smart guy, but I’m out of practice articulating bigger ideas and my goal for this place was to get some of those bigger ideas out.  Except I’ve got a lot of rough drafts and a dearth of posts.  And I’m good at communications, so each of those unfinished drafts is like an accusation.

I hate the identity

Because I’m not sure how to play this public version of me.  I’m a decent human being, loved by a few, respected by a few more, but right now we’re all still figuring out just how to bridge permanent exposure to private and professional lives and while I’ve got nothing I feel the need to hide, that doesn’t mean I’d put my life up on a billboard by my own choice.  So is this work me, or personal me, or how do I make it the touch point for both of these?

I hate the voice

I don’t have a voice here.  I haven’t figured out my answer to the identity question.  I’m struggling with content.  And I’m not posting enough to get a rhythm.    The rhythm was supposed to make it easier for me to write.  So I don’t write because I don’t have a voice, and I don’t have a voice because I don’t write enough.

This will not do

I’m smart. I’m possibly funny. I’m occasionally charming. I’m sporadically insightful, randomly clever and I’m a mighty fine teller of tales.

Yet I don’t feel like I’ve managed to communicate that here.  I’ve certainly not met my one-a-week post goal.  This space doesn’t feel like home base, the way some of my friends have claimed theirs. This is still an obligation rather than an expression of self which is what it needs to be.

I therefore propose to be me

So I need to do something different.  And the simplest answer is to not stress about making myself look like anything and just focusing on talking.  The silly post about muffins was goodness.  Emotion is good.  Dispassionate is okay from time to time but boring as a totality.

What does that mean?  Beats me.  But it gave me something to write about.  Now I will go stress about other things I need to get done.

And leave you with the large-scale version of my little avatar/icon thing.


This would be where a battle-cry would go, if I had one.

Oh, and all the pictures are of me, and by me.

Battle-cry again.   Here I go.

Posted in me, rants.

Tagged with , , , , .

6 Responses

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  1. ej says

    “possibly funny?” hee. You’re definitely funny. I hope you find a rhythm. I like reading you whatever the heck you write.

  2. Lisa Mantchev says

    Dear Cranky Samurai,

    That first picture is still one of my all time favorites.


  3. elevenser says

    Passion. Put it here.

  4. Passionista says

    I’ve definitely felt like this before, particularly with my old blog where I felt restricted by my own premise. I found myself beginning posts and never finishing them or deleting them altogether. In fact I still have 2 drafts that I may never finish. What I’ve learned is not to limit yourself. It seems to me that your blog can go in any direction you choose to take it, but if you’re going to be yourself than you need to start by uncensoring your writing. You might think it’s not the most perfect piece of writing known to man and don’t want to hit “publish” but, gross spelling errors aside, people will start to learn about you. We are our own worst critics so don’t be hard on yourself and write for the sake of writing. Some days will be better than others but it will be worth it. At least I think so.

  5. Rachelle says

    I think that’s a good solution you’ve stumbled upon. 🙂 It’s odd to make the transition from Other Online Locations to the regular, ol’ blogosphere. Takes a bit of adjustment, I think.

    And you’re doing just fine!

    • Sunil says

      Yes. But you’re a clear example that it can be done, and in a mature and open way. I think I just need to learn how to be mature and open. 🙂

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